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7 ways to deal with a toxic relationship

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7 ways to deal with a toxic relationship
Ideally, you shouldn’t need anyone to complete you. You should be whole going into a relationship. Those who feel like they are getting fixed are actually getting ripped off.
That’s why they keep coming back, hoping that this time their partner will make the discomfort go away, making them feel all bright and warm inside. Instead, the ouch is bigger, the hole is wider.
A relationship doesn’t have to be romantic to fall into the “toxic” category, of course. Many friendships, mother-daughter, boss-employee, and waiter-eater relationships qualify. If someone is bringing you down consistently, chances are that your relationship with him is toxic. But if you follow these 7 steps, you can start to complete yourself and successfully walk out of that toxic relationship.
1. Step Out of Denial: Be prepared to dry off as you step out of the river of Denial. A few questions will get you there. Ask yourself these, for starters: Do I feel energized or drained after I spent an hour with X? Do I WANT to spend time with X or do I feel like I have to? Do I feel sorry for X? Do I go to X looking for a response that I never get? Do I come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Am I giving way more to the relationship than X? Do I even like X? I mean, if X were on a cruise and I didn’t know her, would I walk up to her and want to be her friend/boyfriend based on her actions and interactions with others? Go check out this questionnaire if you are still confused.
2. Keep A Log of Emotions: If you suspect that having coffee with X makes you feel worse, not better, log your feelings immediately and follow that pattern in other meetings with X. If you log in two o more than such occurrences then you are enmeshed in a toxic relationship that you should consider tossing out.
3. Identify The Perks: Determine what, specifically, you are getting from a particular relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy again? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a comfort level?
4. Fill The Hole: Now that you’ve identified what you were hoping to stuff with this relationship, it’s time to find alternative sources of peace and wholeness.
Engage in activities like writing and making jewelry, retail therapy (like picking out the juiciest orange she can find), meditation CDs, listening to sad songs–to release the tears, calling up friends, and reminding yourself that sadness won’t stay forever.
5. Surround Yourself with POSITIVE Friends: Lots of support and friends isn’t going to cut it. You need the right kind of friends–i.e. those working on their boundaries as hard as you are, who aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves.
6. Drop A Note To Yourself: Compose a note, drop it in the mail, and then be pleasantly surprised to find a letter from yourself saying something like: “Hey, self! I know you don’t feel like it right now, but you really should make some plans for the weekend before it’s here because I know you get down when you are sitting around the house alone. Call Carolyn. She’d love to hear from you.”
 
7. Bribe Yourself: There are parenting experts that don’t approve of this technique, but nothing is more effective than bribing to get to a goal. Therefore, on your way to freeing yourself from the harness of a toxic relationship, reward yourself at various stages along the way. First, try not initiating any communication for a week. If you pull it off, then treat yourself to coffee with a fun, supportive friend, or a half-hour by the bay alone (no computer, phone, or iPod).
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