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Politricks…Read about Pampers Paradise

Thought of Soyinka’s muse of decades ago got me all warmed up recently. I love Naija, I no go lie! In it, the old man swore he would live and die in this paradise of some sorts. His voice belied the melodrama of the season. He bellowed a sweet sound, now glibly rehearsed by many who think that we have made progress…Or, haven’t we? Many moons and I’m still loving Naija.

Let the music play on. Welcome to Pampers Paradise!

I nearly lost my eardrums days back. No, the discomfort did not come from the jagged horns of the ubiquitous Danfo drivers in Lagos. Those ones can be pardoned. The hoots can sometimes be music to the ears in this city threatening to burst at the seams.  You can make the most of it while in traffic. Listen again and see if the co-ordinated clangs do not remind you of the rhyme and rhythm of Don Jazzy’s Dorobucci.

Eko, City of Excellence, gives me no stress. It’s yet to lose its innocence! What with a colony of noise-makers who burn your ears with invitation to prayers all morning. The music is unadulterated. To live here is to race against time. We need to rush, after all how many more days do we have ahead of us?

My ears still twang. Yeah, they do from the confusing screams of a few cheer leaders loitering next door.  I can still hear shouts of ‘pampers’, ‘pampers’ cutting through the political fog. One alleged, by thunder,  that it was coming from another who had been commissioned by a certain brand to push its range of diapers. The other had countered, by his mother’s breasts, that many who strut the political arena have loose bowels.

Now, this is what makes it all the more interesting. Anybody can swear by whatever because na democracy we dey. I just love our definition of it…unlimited freedom! We can demonstrate craze, run our mouth anyhow and get cheered on. Naija is ready for platinum, if only the orchestra can string the chords and chorus, ‘Pampers Paradise’.

Me, I swear, by the gods of March 28, that the protagonists are singing same song. The genre of music is what I can’t fathom at present. For all I care, in their cast are the nation’s finest jesters. Come on, we all need the rallies. Ever thought of the number of persons who get ‘pampers’ shoved in their faces each time Fayose yells at the crowd? It won’t be lame to allege that his rewards would probably run into several billions. And, in these days of declining share from the nation’s loot, the returns sure will augment his state’s meager Internally Generated Revenue (IGR). Ekiti people will be better for it, I swear.

And, shouldn’t the rest of us be really grateful for prized info from unlikely sources? Keep your ears steady, here’s another revelation from the ‘Pampers’ hit track. It’s become quite obvious that since oyibo people waka, we have remained glued to those disposable undies. For the older generation, it was ‘napkins’, remember? One needed ‘safety pins’ to hold them together. Any wonder then that they can’t be worn for keep-fit routines or jogging, if you like. See why it was unfair to ask Sai Buhari to lead the walk organized in his honour. Dem want make him wound?

For other concerns, those with the luxury of modern diapers appear in no haste to give it up. Understandably so, because they shit on the go with a court of jesters to wipe their bums and clean their mess. The taps rarely go dry in this part of the world, and there’s really no need to worry. We can print more money, all it takes is paper! Aso Rock na heaven, no be so?

Welcome to Pampers Paradise where progenitors have refused to grow up, and fight dirty on all fronts. It’s a nation lying in ruins as gladiators sell deception for comfort.

And, if Naija doesn’t excite you, then you are welcome to Bob Marley’s Pimpers Paradise. Do you think he had Naija in mind?


Pimpers Paradise

[Verse 1]

“She love to party, have a good time

She looks so hearty, feeling fine

She loves to smoke, sometime shifting coke

She’ll be laughing when there is no joke


A pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was now

A pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was

A pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was now

Pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was

(Every need got an ego to feed

Every need got an ego to feed)

[Verse 2]

She loves to model up in the latest fashion

She’s in the scramble and she moves with passion

She’s getting high, trying to fly the sky

Yeah! Now she is bluesin’ when there ain’t no blues


A pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was now

A pimper’s paradise: that’s all she was

A pimper’s paradise: I’m sorry for the victim now

Oh, now soon their (pimper’s paradise) – soon their heads – soon their

Soon their very heads will bow

(Pimper’s paradise) Don’t lose track – don’t lose track of yourself, oh no!

(Pimper’s paradise) Don’t be just a stock – a stock on the shelf

Stock on the shelf

(Pimper’s paradise) that’s all she was now

 -Article by Sam Ibemere

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Ripples Nigeria

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