Diary - DSS, the judges and Shomolu
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Diary – DSS, the judges and Shomolu

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By Joseph Edgar… I once stood in the dock at one of the many court rooms that littered Igbosere in Lagos. On hindsight, that was a major risk going by the things we are hearing today about our Lordships. As I stood in my well sewn suit and purple bow tie, I looked beside me and I saw a flight of stairs leading to the gallows and immediately felt a cold chill run down my spine. As the Lordship walked to his seat, perching his glasses on the tip of his nose, the clerk shouted and the rest of the hall stood up to greet the man next to Jehovah God.

He took his seat, looked me up and down like an insect that needed to be crushed and with a careless wave asked for the case to be announced. The dirty looking court clerk stood up and in an hungry voice screamed, ‘the case between BGL……….. Are the defendants in court, Joseph Edgar’ I screamed ‘not guilty’. The court burst out in laughter. I was too eager to pronounce my innocence. When I was coming from Akwa Ibom no be court dem tell me say I go end.

So I stood in the dock, looking straight at the eminent judge as he took his notes. He wrote ever so slowly as if there was no hurry in life. I became impatient and feeling like taking a leak. I motioned to my lawyer who was sweating and did not seem to know what was going on, ‘ I want piss ‘ I whispered to him and he retorted,’Edgar respect yourself, this no be place dem dey joke’. I say ok, ‘no vex’.

The process continued. So ‘mr Lawyer, how do you plead for your client’. My lawyer stood up and in a tiny voice said not guilty. I felt the judge did not hear him well, so I screamed’ Mbog, not GUILTY’ so he could hear it well. At this point, His Lordship looked at me and smiled. He could sense my discomfort and the Lord took pity on me by sending me a warm smile which reassured me that all was not lost.

But as he was writing, the prison van just below me and which I could see very clearly underground, suddenly came to life. The driver revved the engine as if he was preparing to take me to prison. I began to shake and held my mouth tightly so as not to scream and immediately began to feel hot wet like substance dribble down my trousers. My people I had wet my pants. I motioned to my Lawyer to come quickly, I needed to send a message to my mother becuase there was no way they will get me into that truck alive. I was going to jump out of that dock and run towards the window in an attempt to escape. I knew they will shoot me and I was prepared to die instead of going to submit my ass in prison for the enjoyment of a condemned prisoner.

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By this time, all I could see on the faces of the observers and my fellow colleagues who came to support me was pity. So this young man was going to prison. Kai, this handsome boy, what kind of life is this. Why did he too commit that fraud, can’t they just pity him, see as he is shaking, the suit he used the money to buy ‘na him he go take wear for prison’ . I was just looking at them, tears in my eyes but with the firm determination that I will attempt an escape.

Me, Edgar Joseph to go to jail, what will I tell my children, what will I tell all my fat and yellow fans, what will they write in my biography, what will they write in my tombstone, ‘here lies a fool, who could not even run away’. I was determined at this point to jump o. The judge kept on writing, I don’t know what he was writing o, but it looked like he was writing my judgment, justifying why he must send me to jail for a crime I did not commit.

Na investment banking carry me come this far o. Na marketing wiz kid dem call me o, I don come wizard myself to the point wey I dey look Black Maria as official vehicle. I was numb with fear even as I calculated my escape route. I saw two mopol with guns by the door, a slim woman seated by the window and my lawyer standing in between me and the woman. The plan was for me to kick my lawyer in the balls, neutralizing him, jump at the woman, stepping on her laps using it as a trampoline to propel myself towards the window summersaulting head first into the window, crashing it and falling while spinning in a ball towards the roof of the judges car and finally landing on my feet. Then looking left, right and left again with my inbuilt compass directing me towards Shomolu from where I get a speed boat towards Uyo while stopping in Lekki to carry Tiwa Savage with me.

Just as I was about to move, I heard a tap on my shoulder. It was my Lawyer and a doctor. I had fainted. The judge had acquited me and proclaimed me innocent but I had fainted immediately I heard him say, ‘mr Joseph Edgar of 9, Bajulaiye Road, Shomolu, I find you……..’ That was all I heard when they said I screamed and fell down flat on the floor. My people when I woke up they offered me an ambulance, I said they should not worry that I will walk. I walked like Nelson Mandela out of that court in Igbosere and did not stop walking till I got to Jevnik in Victoria Island where I ordered a big plate of Afang and Fufu.

So the lesson here is that imagine if the judge was amongst these ones that the DSS has captured and my opponents had stashed crispy dollars in their bedrooms the previous night, how would I have gotten Justice. Tell me. No English my lawyer for talk wey for free me. You see why I support ferociously the crack down on corruption in the judiciary. The gestapo style not withstanding, the action is right.

Today we have State Governors who have no business in Government and you begin to see the mess it has put us as people. Justice is for sale to the highest bidder and the Supreme Court the last bastion of hope for the common man has been bastardized. Me I support this one fully . Corruption in the judiciary is the worst kind and everything must be done to stamp it out.

Welldone the DSS and keep the investigations going until the judiciary is completely cleaned out.

Ripples Nigeria, without borders, without fears

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