OPINION: Our pastors and s*x scandals

I really enjoy sex scandals involving our pastors. It makes for real good drama and serves to distract us from the gory stories that daily assail us.

The latest is that of the Nollywood starlet who has begged for forgiveness from her God, her family and friends for opening her legs to the large member of the pastor who recently got someone arrested for comparing him with our greatest export Hushpuppi.

First the confession is idiotic. Her conscience starts flogging her years after she collected four rounds and was paid for her services.

Now, while she was on her fours, her conscience had taken a small vacation to the ipob controlled Oguta Lake as the reverred ‘Man of God’ was allegedly doing songs of Solomon on her.

When she stood up and said, ‘Man of God, please let’s do it from the side, I prefer that sir, her conscience was still lazing away in Charly Boy’s village, eating smoked fish and drowning that with freshly tapped palm wine.

Me, I am for the pastors in this matter. No pastor should be blamed for succumbing to the ever tantalizing and inviting Bermuda triangle that is nestled within the legs of some of these our Nigerian women.

If you want to blame the pastors, then you don’t understand the allure that comes with the well formed hips and the luscious breast some of our women carry around.

Have you kissed a real Nigerian woman? Have you had those full and lush breast rub on your chest as she asks for a small favour to buy the latest phone or to pay for her sick mothers v*gina tightening surgery?

Look, it’s not all pastors that would have the moral strength like me to withstand the onslaught of a ravishing beauty who, in search of a meatier role in a play, pushes me to the darkened corners of a theatre and says,’ Duke you don’t have to use a c*ndom’.

Some of us being veterans in these game have over the years developed immunity – not vaccine-driven but from the perils that comes from the nectar that spews from an exotically crafted Nigerian woman.

The pastors are fresh meat. They spend years in seminaries or wherever they get their anointing. Hiding in the darkened corners of their parishes to m*sturbate at the pictures of Mary Magdalene so when they are faced with the real life sexy look of a well rounded Nigerian woman, complete with the buttocks of Armageddon, they start speaking in tongues as they deposit their seeds into them.

Pastors are weak and the only strong ones are those 70 years and above who no longer have the physical capacity to indulge.

Do you still go to church? I used to. Come and see the assemblage of peacocks all in different stages of undress and you say the Pastor will remember what is in the Book of Malachi?

The Church is a pool. You see different plumage of birds and you are sometimes lost for choice.

You will need a consultant in my mold to serve as a guide in making a choice. I understand them and know them. You may call me a zoologist in this contest. Didn’t I write the Book Anonymous Nipples?

What kills the Pastors are those luscious and supple thighs. As they stand on the pulpit to emit their crap, they have the exclusive viewing rights of some of the world’s most beautiful thighs stare very invitingly at them.

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As they postulate, they see the thighs open ever so gently and close ever so slowly. The Pastor remembers the big tummy of Mama GO who has not been able to open her holy thighs for over twenty years and even if she did what will he find there?

His er*ction on the pulpit apparent, he stares blankly at the ‘yellow Sisi’ making an observation to see for her after ministeration for private counseling.

The Pastors must fall. They are not equipped with any armour of resistance. They are weak, not genuine mostly and their apparent wealth and power throws them up like petrol covered targets to the flaming match.

Who can compete with the Pastor? Is it you that is struggling in church with calculator before you pay your tithe.

If you were a beautiful Nigerian woman, would you go for the Duke who has to sell 12 more tickets for Awo or would you go for the gullible, worldly stupid adonis who is asking us to have a Plan B from his Noah’s Ark

Please, let the Pastors have their fun nothing wrong with that and they should stop denying it when caught. We all know the drill because a lot of us do really envy them.

They fare better than the lecherous lecturers who have nothing but marks in exam papers that will still not give their victims good jobs to bargain with and that is why they get caught and messed up ever so regularly.

Our Pastors with their unfettered ill-gotten wealth stand a better chance of ‘getting away with it’ for very obvious reasons.

This is why I envy them and my greatest regret is not following through with my nascent career as a highly sought after Sunday School teacher in Shomolu.

I should have followed through and emerged a big GO.

So, my brothers, the Pastors, keep at it. We will all be okay. Someone once said, ‘ this is Nigeria’.

AUTHOR: Joseph Edgar

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Articles published in our Graffiti section are strictly the opinion of the writers and do not represent the views of Ripples Nigeria or its editorial stand.

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